I'm only 16, but I feel like I'm at least 30... Sorry if I ramble in this post, but its really hard for me to write this. I hope I am clear enough and make sense. A lot of this I've never told anyone. I wasn't going to post it, but I read other threads and it seems like you guys are really understanding and compassionate. Well, here it goes. I don't really know where to start. I have a few friends that I enjoy spending time with but sometimes I think I don't belong with them, or they don't belong with me, however you want to say it. They are all really smart, most of them play a sport, and a lot of them are somewhat good looking. They enjoy some of the things I enjoy, mainly video games. I am usually fine with them in school, but when we get together out of school I feel really uncomfortable with them. I dont think its natural to feel this way with people who you call your friends, but I dont know if its their problem or mine. I can talk with most of them one on one easily, but I tend to hide myself when the large group conversations begin. Most of them have girlfriends, I do not. I don't know any person who would be attracted to me with the way I look and my emotional state. Which leads me to my next point- I'm gay. None of my friends know, none of my family members know. I have only ever told one person that I met on the internet a few years back on another forum. We've been talking for a while now, although I have never met her in person. She is bisexual and married, with a child. She lives on the other side of the country, which is what has hindered me from meeting her. I've shared other things with her, she has been one of my most reliable friends who I trust more than most of my friends and family members. Anyway, I've known I was gay since the time I started thinking about sexual things, and I'm as sure about it as anything. I didnt think about it when I was little, I dont think any child does. Since then, I've constantly tried to push the issue to the back of my head, and its been rotting there for almost 6 years. I feel like I need to tell someone personally, whether it will make me feel better or not, I do not know, but I need to tell someone. I doubt it could be my mother or father, Im positive they wouldnt understand. They arent that religious, but they disapprove of it immensly. They are both extremely sheltered. I've thought about how they would react. My mom would probably not talk to me for about a week, my dad would probably try to hurt me, so I would most likely have to leave here, but I dont have anywhere to go. Besides the immediate difficulties that I am going through, I am seriously depressed about how it will affect my future. I will never have children, unless I adopt them. I will never have a husband, unless I move. If/when I come out, all I have to look forward to is a life full of insults, bigotry, and a world full of people who don't understand me. I also have serious image problems. I am overweight, as well is my family, and that as well as my sexuality affects everything that I do. Sometimes I think even if I was out no one would want me anyway. I am also starting to lose my hair at a very young age. It isnt severe yet, but I have the feeling it will become that way in the next couple of years. My brother is practically bald right now, and hes only 21. My dad is also thinning although my brother is worse. The right side of my hairline is further back than the left, and I have a bald spot in the back on the right. I feel more insecure about this than anything, even my weight. I spend so much time trying to cover it up in the mornings before school, because I already have enough things to get made fun of for. And guess what, I have glasses and braces too! Summary: I'm a fat, blind, balding, gay 16 year old. This is why I feel like I will never have a serious relationship with anyone, and forget a sex life. I make good grades, actually I have the highest GPA in my class, but that doesn't make me feel better about one damn thing. It only adds to my suffering. Some of the people who I feel like I would get a long with more than my current friends don't want to be around me because they think I am some kind of stuck up brat. I would try to make friends with them, but I would probably throw up if I tried. I dont like drawing attention to myself at all. All of the friends I have now I made back when I was younger and I wasnt thinking about any of this shit. I have only considered (seriously) killing myself once. It was the moment I realized I didn't believe in God. I think that was the only thing that stopped me from considering it before then. I didnt (and in some ways still dont) know why I should continue living my life (suffering with periods of mild satisfaction weaved throughout) when there was nothing on the other end of it. I thought, "2 more seconds of pain, then an infinite amount of satisfaction" That looked damn good at the moment- I had never felt so worthless. The only thing that stopped me was my parents getting home from work and a long nights sleep. Thanks for reading all of this, any comments would be appreciated. This forum really is a great thing.